Worthy but completely undeserving

How about an update? October 19, 2011

Filed under: Aspiring Fitness Model — Lauren @ 11:08 pm

Well let’s see, it’s been almost 2 months since I last posted.  Yeesh…  That doesn’t do me any good as far as keeping myself accountable.  Let me recap the past (almost) 2 months…

So, I ended up kind of yoyo-ing back and forth the past couple months.  I was on track for 2 weeks and then off track for 2 weeks.  I did this a couple times and guess what?  I have no overall progress to show for it.  Just frustration.  Discouragement.

But something snapped this past weekend in me.  I realized that I have lived my life breaking agreements with myself where my fitness is concerned.  I did it in soccer all the time.  I never gave 100% in my college off-season training.

Example:  At the end of my freshman year, I was the top 1 or 2 best in shape on the team (according to that awful beep test), and I came back at the start of my sophomore year as one of the bottom 3 worst in shape.  I just didn’t do much over the summer to stay in shape.  I didn’t like running sprints or going for long runs on my own.  I knew I should do those things, but still, I didn’t do them.  Even after the embarrassment of being way out of shape at the start of that year, nothing changed over the summer before my junior year.  I came back out of shape again.

It’s self-sabotage at its finest, and I still wonder why I do this?  I think it goes back to old patterns that worked in the past for me.  Even though I had a chance to process a lot of my feelings of insignificance and believing myself to be unlovable at Focus, I’m realizing that I don’t conquer my struggles once for all (if you don’t know what Focus is, ask me!!  I’ll tell you all about it – it was basically a personal awakening).  I can absolutely process something, acknowledge what that’s created in my life, and change my actions/mindset to operate from a new position.  BUT it’s going to take vigilance to permanently change something that has been so ingrained in me the past 26 years.

One of the things I can do to help make permanent changes is accountability.  Another is positive self-talk.  Replacing those negative “I will inevitably fail” tapes with “I will succeed” tapes.  I also must stay engaged with my goals.  Reading my goals over each day and reading other people’s success stories is very motivating.

So that’s what I’ve got for now.  Since Saturday I’ve made some good progress!  I’m going to keep it up!  Until next time!!


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